Social networks

It’s interesting how lack of friendship leads me to false delusions which occupy, eat, and swallow my mind and it’s so hard to stop them. It’s been several years that I lack this basic need. Frequently I go to social networks and after a while, I realize that none of the people in my networks are my friends. The few family and friends that I have either I talk to them via voice or video call or direct message. The rest of the people actually don’t care about me and don’t know me and if I would to die tomorrow, it wouldn’t affect their life in the slightest.

On another issue, I hope the instincts energies that rushed me over like a flood and I barely could emotionally stay by snatching some branches of logic, would be less problematic in the future with more real-life social experiences.

One brief moment of exploration

Today I watched the last episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. One sentence from character Q fascinated me and got me by surprise. Surprise because I have similar thought a while back about what is valuable in humanity beyond our tiny earth. This is the quote of Q from wikipedia:

The Continuum wanted to see if humanity could expand their mind and horizons and for one brief moment Picard did, when he realized the paradox. Q tells Picard that during that one moment, his mind was open to possibilities that he had never considered before. That is the journey that truly awaits humanity, exploring the unknown possibilities of existence.

Q

These brief moments are the ones that I think are truly valuable in Human-beings. Except this, all the rest are insignificant on a large scale.

However, I can’t damage my body by ignoring my daily needs…

Nonetheless, I am happy that there are people that think like me, so they made this kind of episode. Therefore I am not weird with this mindset. I can belong somewhere. 🙂

Diving

Quote: “It’s my antidote to the chaos and the very loud world. Down here my mind is at peace. The business of life is left behind at the surface.”

Today, I was alone again. I was alone with my thoughts. The massive flow of thought won’t stop rushing to my mind, the constant worry of the thesis is always there. I had a problem with my personal relationship. I didn’t want to continue doing some tasks because of others anymore. I was left with myself again.

On Saturday I cleaned my place and myself, bought weekly food, then watched tv series. On Sunday, I woke up early, went jogging/walking for 45 minutes, then socialized a bit, slept again, and took a bath.

It was a long time since I haven’t taken a bath. Maybe a year. When I was in the bathtub, I thought about how I felt. I tried to analyze myself and reach the conclusion that the emotion under the numbness feeling is the solid anger existing inside me. Lots of anger. I remember a speaker saying, the pain will come, but we can decide to not accept suffering. This was an interesting viewpoint. I tried to put my head underwater, as soon as my ears went underwater, I became calmer as if my constant state of being alarmed and listening to surroundings replace itself with the calm motion sound of water. I tried to put the rest of my head underwater. I opened my eyes. I felt I am in another world and all the chaos, worries, and problems of the other world are not relevant in that state. I felt more peaceful.

Social learning, thinking, and transferring knowledge

I watched a very interesting video that described a theory that human development and the difference between humans and animals is due to human Social learning, thinking, and transferring knowledge. I found it very interesting since I personally can see in my daily life how these concepts always help me to move forward.
This is from a research project named “Evolutionary Transitions in Humans – From Nature to Culture” by Professor Magnus Enquist, the year 2016 at Stockholm University

More information:
https://su.se/ce/about-us/events/media/why-are-humans-so-different-from-other-animals-1.399650

Lost

Millennium Actress. Where are you running to, your whole life?

I’ve spend more than last ten years of my life as a lost person changing from position to position. why am I like this? Why I can not find peace like others and make my life grounded?

As a child, I was also lost, I was a follower. Nobody paid extra attention to me. I was merely a child, the last child among all people around me. I was seeking for peer fellow attention and love. I was searching for friends. I was a lonely child inside. I went inside the closet and repeatedly told myself Nobody likes me. This need of other people’s love and attention to me made me to follow what is popular, since nobody was really interested in real me. That’s how I got shaped, maybe shapeless.

The only time that I was asked ,after my sister, what I do want to become, I tried to compete with my sister as usual. She answered heart doctor, because it was an important career. I also answered heart doctor. Then she changed her answer brain doctor, since it is more important. I felt defeated. It wasn’t a moment of what do I like to work as. It was merely not to be less.

I saw my sister drawing and having interest in it, so I tried drawing and I became somehow good in it, she praised me for it. I saw my mom paid respect to mathematics and said she was good in it, so I tried reading one part of a book about it and solved some hard mathematics problems. The teacher praise me so hard in class about it that I felt cautious of her. Nobody paid that amount of public attention to me. I felt there is something wrong with her. I consider a person that shows interest and praise in me, has a problem. Why? Was it because I never saw such love from maternal love?

My mom was always busy dealing with job and dealing with my dad. I now wonder, why did she have us. Was it because of a custom of having a family. Was it because she was from middle-class family that this way was the only possible way to have a mere happiness. She cared for us. She made sure we are not sick, we are healthy. She just raised us. But not giving us the attention that I can think a child needs to blossom her/his talents and future. She served us by this way that she took care of us. But the job, the partner and not having happiness herself, didn’t allow her to think of our capacities. We didn’t learn any basic living on our own. We didn’t learn how to cook meal for ourselves. We didn’t know if we should choose a job in future, or the job would choose us! We didn’t learn to clean our place. We didn’t learn how to not escape from people, but try to socialize. But we as a middle-class family, where just mother is dealing with raising us and dealing with the husband that is not helping and is not interested and has his own problems. This was definitely a difficult situation. I am glad that I don’t live in that situation anymore. But my mentality is the product of that time and situation.

In high-school, after achieving the approval that I am good at something that my mom approved, which was mathematics. I felt rest assured. I felt that due to the first interaction of my mathematics teacher, people acknowledge me for my mathematics and I have a place among people. I didn’t care about not being good in other fields. I felt safe in mathematics. Since in world view of my mother, that was the best course and I was good at it. So I doodled in other courses and passed them. In mathematics, I solved the puzzle questions before the class starts. It was a very fun game to play and I felt that I got respect for that, both in family and in the little society of high-school.

When I had peace of mind and heart in middle-school, I began to read books from library. Since I knew that is also a respectful activity. That also became a hobby. I felt I am in the highest intellectual places among everybody. Because I am good in mathematics. I enjoy solving mathematics puzzles. I read books daily like a bookworm, everywhere. This lead me to read fascinating books about physics. I got interested in the concepts in those book. But I was not particularly good or interested in physics course of school.

When the time came for choosing a field in university which was based on which score we got in the national universities entrance exam, I and people around me didn’t have any good information. My mom suggested I choose all engineering fields first. And at the end, among the mathematics and physics, She suggested, I better choose the physics, because mathematics doesn’t have any job in future. So I did that.

I entered the physics field at university. The combination of being average and not great in academic physics and the physics not having a direct job outside academia, made me lose myself again. I was lost again. Now that I look at my mathematics courses grades that I had in university, Although my grade was better than other people, but still it was not perfect either. I tried jobs, I tried so hard to choose a path that would support me in basic financial living. But still I am under the lost situation that I was before high-school. I don’t have an exact place among the society and I am not great in anything. The memory of the delightful and restful experience that I had in high-school doesn’t leave me. As if i have fallen again. Although I am aware of the fact that was just a little society of high-school and under that specific circumstances, but the memory of good times doesn’t let me have peace in this lower situation. Today I thought that how similar does my life look like to the movie of the Millennium Actress.

Bahar Sh, 23/08/2021

Can’t focus on homework

why is it so hard to write a report? I’ve been trying to work on a physics report for two weeks, without any success. I don’t have any motivation to do it.

Are the motivations to do the tasks just deadline and fear of authority?

this is not good.

Currently trying to hear Stromae music. I hope it’s okay to listen to music while trying to write the report.